So I came across a few pieces I posted on the interwildwildwest many moons ago, under my previous secret identity Horny Teenage Boy. They were about Mariah Carey and had nothing to do with yoga or life... I guess I have always disliked self-absorbed princesses.
Who knew I once was a horny teenage boy. Ha!
[WARNING] If you are a Mariah fan, have no sense of humour, or if you are looking for a grand lesson on light of yoga, stop reading now. Horny Teenage Boy was even more offensive than Sarcastic Yogi. You have been warned.
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EXCLUSIVE - Mariah got new breasts and they don't look like anything you have ever seen before. The 30 year-old trailer park princess revealed in an interview that she got yet again a new pair of breasts.
"These babies ain't nothing y'all ever seen!", said Mariah as she proceeded to remove her clothes. Right under her old pair of fake breasts, there was another pair of fake breasts. Now Mariah has four breasts.
"I feel so much better now. I figured most of my clients like my fake boobs. I have twice the confidence now. Now I can proudly say I have four tits just like a real cow does. My clients love the fact that for the price of one, they can play with two sets of tits! My pimp told me my booking is so full that I practically have to be on my back with my legs up for the next five years!"
When asked about her music career since she'd be on her back with her legs up in the next five years, the four-breasted singer simply shrugged.
"No sweat there. They buy my CDs ain't cos of my shit music. They buy'em cos of my fake boobs! As long as I keep showing them and sell my singles for less than a dollar, I'll have more hits. Besides, I have two more tits now. Can you imagine? I'll be on the top of the chart forever!"
- Horny Teenage Boy
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(Daily Trailer Park News)
Mariah Carey was admitted to the hospital after a horse riding accident.
"It was scary... she was screaming and yelling while riding that thing," said of the witnesses. According to a close source, Mariah had no lessons of horse riding except in bed. But as soon as she saw it, Mariah mounted the horse unassisted and the horse immediately sprang into motion. It galloped along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but suddenly the 30 year-old singer slipped from the saddle. In terror, she grabbed for the horse's mane, but couldn't seem to get a firm grip. Several people tried to help but failed because of the foul odour Mariah was emitting. She tried to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she kept sliding down the side of the horse. The horse galloped along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaped away from the horse and tried to throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot was entangled in the stirrup and her head was struck against the ground again and again. As she was only moments away from unconsciousness, the Wal-Mart manager ran out and shut the horse off.
This was Mariah's second horse riding accident. The first one happened when she was filming the video of "Butterfly", which the 500-lbs singer crushed the horse to death while attempting to get on it.
- Horny Teenage Boy
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(Daily Trailer Park News)
Mariah was arrested for stealing at a local bingo hall.
Ever since the 30 year-old fat cow crawled back to her ex-husband Tommy Mottola, who is the CEO of Mariah's record company, the couple are frequently spotted at the bingo hall. Mariah's ugly face is usually full of red and blue dots as she often mistakes the bingo dabbers for her ex-husband's penis.
Yesterday an employee at the bingo hall noticed that Mariah would walk to the bar, sit her fat ass on a bar stool and mysterioulsy the stool would disappear while Mariah would end up sitting on the floor. Then Mariah stood up, sat her fat ass on another stool and it disappeared as well. Within five minutes all ten stools were gone. The employee immediately notified the security and they managed to stop the ugly hippo from leaving the scene. Local police arrived and conducted a cavity search on Mariah. They found ten bar stools, a juke box, two vending machines and a pick-up truck inside Mariah's vagina. Two of the officers were poisoned by the foul odour of the singer and had to be transported to the hospital.
Mariah Carey is charged with theft and emitting foul odour in public, and will appear in court next Tuesday.
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EXCLUSIVE - Mariah was spotted in a local bingo hall with her ex-husband, the CEO of her record company, Tommy Motola. They appeared to be very much in love and Mariah even went down on him four times during a game of bingo. Most people believe this is her latest attempt to save her nearly dead music career.
"There have been many signs", said a close friend of the fat ugly singer. "Lets face it, her music career is practically over. She knows that people buy her shit because she is showing her fake tits and fat ass and she can't do that forever! Eventually her implants will explode and they are already sagging. When it comes to her career, whether it's hooking or singing, the fat whore knows what's best for her. She married her boss once and she'll do it again."
Given her promiscuous past, Mariah is very likely to go back to Tommy Motola. Her 99 cents single "Thank God I Blew You" also shows how much Tommy Motola means to Mariah.
"What gives better boost to her dead music career than screwing the CEO of her record company?", said Mariah's pimp.
Several people also witnessed Mariah mistook the bingo dabbers for her ex-husband's penis and had blue and red dots all over her face.
The publicist of Tommy Motola denied the rumours. "How stupid do you think Mr. Motola is? He just got rid of the crabs the fat whore gave him!"
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(Daily Trailer Park News)
The judge ruled today that Mariah Carey is responsible for the loss of business of Fatso Buffet and is ordered to stay away from any Fatso Buffet restrauant. Last month Mariah Scarey and her pimps went to the Fatso Buffet on their "All you can eat deep fried banana" night. Witnesses at the trial testified how Mariah stormed into the restaurant, pushed her way through the line-up while screaming "get the hell away from the deep fried banana, they are mine!". One of the witnesses said "I was with my kid when this fat ugly thing, who turned out to be that Mariah Scarey, pushed her way in. My 8 year-old son was so scared that he shit in his pants. *sob* The pyschiatrist said he'd need therapy for the rest of his life..."
Another witness said in court "I've never smelt such an aweful smell! That fat ugly thing reeks of foul odour and leaves a trail of slime whereever she goes! It was obscene and my friends and I just puked because she looked and smelt so bad!"
"I almost passed out when I saw her put a whole tray of spring rolls up her private part", said the waitress of the restaurant in court.
The owner of Fatso Buffet also testified that "it was just hopeless. When she started douching with the won ton soup I thought to myself there goes my family business."
Mariah Carey and her pimps were not present at the ruling and could not be reached for comments.
- Horny Teenage Boy
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PS: Sarcastic Yogi is going on vacation. See y'all later, alligator!
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