Eventually y'all have to rip off the band-aid

I know it's been a while. The last couple of months have been mad. And the madness ended with me getting into a car accident. So much to contemplate and distill.

At the time of writing, I was slightly pissed. Actually, I was quite pissed. After I just accidentally deleted a blog that I had worked on for quite some time, I got a lovingly lovely email from none other than some womanizing pretentious doughy manipulative abusive cult-loving lying cheating asshole guru named John, warmly inviting me to study with him again. I so wish I could walk into a Mikasa store and just smash and break every overpriced plate and bowl with no consequence. In reality there wasn't much I could do other than screaming uncontrollably. But of course I didn't. I have manner, ya know. Instead I went to the elevator and let one rip. It most certainly didn't help the situation, but the thought of someone unknowingly walking into the pungent product of my angry tush somehow eased the pain a little... how insensitive of me.

Right when I was blowing off some stinky steam, I had an epiphany: I want to start a revolution. I think we should reclaim the word "sensitive" and not misuse it the way Lindsay Lohan with vodka.

Sensitive reclamation!

Rewind...

One of my closest friends Pinky Bombmaker met this dude whom I lovingly name Anal Douche. If you've been reading my blog, you'll have a pretty good idea how much stress I was under in October because of my mother's surgery. You can read all about it here. So right before my epic journey back to my parents' to care for my mother, Princess Madgelover and I went for dinner. Pinky Bombmaker joined us later and he brought Anal Douche with him. Totally understandable. Pink Bombmaker wanted his two favourite bitches to meet his potential husband, kinda like the final interview. 

Here's the situation: on the cusp of my epic journey, I spent a whole afternoon at a landfill because of my real job and I barely made it home for the time when Princess Madgelover came to pick me up. I did manage to change clothes and cover my mad hair with a bandana. After the intro, the first thing Anal Douche said to me was "I didn't know you were a maid", referring to my bandana and my fashionably homely look. The hello kitty jokes came immediately after. You see, obviously I can take a joke. It's only fair to take one when you dish one. But it's a RIGHT that you earn when you engage in any kind of interaction with Sarcastic Yogi. I ain't picky, but I do have boundaries. It suffices to say hello kitty jokes are off-limit the first time you meet Sarcastic Yogi, unless you are Joan Rivers or Betty White.

So the night went on with more Anal Douche's neverending stories and opinions on just about anything, and it ended with his recommendation of my Halloween costume as a "slutty hello kitty maid", and that he loved "West Side Story"... in short, Anal Douche is the type of person I loathe: a self-absorbed narcissist.

As you can imagine, I lost almost a quart of blood from biting my tongue so hard. That was the only sensible thing to do.

Fast forward...

Moolah bandha and yoga zombies

At the time of writing, I thought I'd offer a little bit of humour to distract people from the chaos of Sandy or the US election. My heart goes out to those affected by the crazy storm. Please look after yourselves and others. And to those who don't know which party to vote for, think about remarks such as "47%" and "legitimate rape". Anyway... I channeled Joan Rivers and imagined what she'd say if there ever were an Academy Award of Yoga Drama and she gave a speech on the red carpet. Oh the auspiciousness...

My last blog was the most groundbreaking to date and seemingly hit a sensitive spot on how sexy yoga was these days. Lets do a quick recap:

• Joan Rivers is the wisest and kindest person on this planet.
• I do not have anger management issues, but I do have a very low tolerance of some womanizing pretentious doughy manipulative abusive cult-loving lying cheating asshole guru named John.
• I also have a very low tolerance of those so-called yogic assholes who talk like they are the second coming of Jesus while shooting rainbow-coloured gerbils out of their asses.
• We discovered the new energy lock called Moolah Bandha. It's madly powerful, not even Mr. Iyengar can fully control it. 

Rewind...

I want to try something different, something that I never do. I'll share a disturbing story with y'all. I guess you can say this story is partially the inspiration of this blog. A couple of weeks ago while at work... yes, many thanks to my actual paying job that enables me to speak the truth... anyway, a co-worker named One-eye Gord followed me to the washroom while yammering and nattering about his yeast infection or something. Once inside the washroom, One-eye Gord proceeded to the cubicle on the right as he seemingly preferred, and began the epic movement of his innards without stopping his monolog that he thought I was listening to. Yes, he was talking to me the entire time while dislodging his logs into the ceramic bowl. You see, I'm just old-fashioned that way. I don't talk to anyone who is taking a piss or shit in a public washroom, or less than 10-ft away even behind a bush of juniper. Seriously, engaging me in conversations while I'm *releasing* in a public washroom suggests that 1) you might be into anonymous sex in public places, and 2) you are a socially inept idiot. I consider the 42 seconds of urination or 17 minutes of defecation my very own intimate moment, when bonding with anyone or of any kind is neither allowed nor appropriate. This includes texting your friends while you are doing number 2, unless you are sending them photos with a caption that says "Look What I Just Made".

While I was trying to escape the washroom, something extremely nauseating dawned on me: some people are like zombies. They don't ever seem to go away, or let you be, and always try to be part of a pack by infecting others, or be infected by others. They fail to understand that sometimes people just want to do their own thing without interference from others. Really! I don't need to be part of a pack to do something that's personal and sacred to me, or perhaps I only want to share it with only a few people... like really!

I hate everyone... starting with anger management fascists

"Psychologists tell us that depression is just anger turned inward, but I say, why waste your time? It is what it is and quite frankly I'd rather be angry than depressed. Why? Because antidepressants like Prozac, Wellbutrin and Zoloft can cause bloating... and I hate bloating!!!" - Joan Rivers

Gotta hand it to Joan. She tells like it is, no fluff, no shri, no sugarcoated shit sandwiches. I wonder what she'd say to some womanizing pretentious doughy manipulative abusive cult-loving lying cheating asshole guru named John.

Recently two well known yoga teachers, Spicy Hello Kitty and The Yogi Muse, wrote about anger but from two different perspectives. I, Sarcastic Yogi, figured I'd throw in my two cents, not that what I say carries as much weight, nor would I put myself in the same league as they are... shit, I'm like a dung beetle compared to Spicy Hello Kitty and The Yogi Muse. I love shit. I embrace shit. I am the embodiment of shit. I can't live without shit. But that's a different conversation.

A while back I taught a little show-n-tell about yoga at work and got gently reamed out by a local teacher because of it. You can read about it here. Not to open an old wound... trust me, I'm going somewhere with this blog. I don't shoot blanks.

So yes, I was angry when I wrote it. If yoga were meant to get rid of anger, it certainly wasn't working. Hmm... I must be doing it wrong! I was supposed to be all zen and compassionate and lovey dovey like a hippie high on love and marijuana... Oh my loin! Bless me, guru, for I have sinned! I failed to repress my anger! Hot damn, I am not yogic because I was angry! I failed yoga! Baaaaah!

Rewind...

What's yoga? What is yoga in the Western world? What is yoga in the Western world now? Yoga in the Western world 20, 30 years ago was a very different thing. Back then "inspired" was not a designation that required a licensing agreement. There was no "Yoga Journal conference" or "Wanderlust". There was no Manduka super black mat or Evolution jar of pubes. "Yoga for golfer" or "something something yoga dot com inc." was practically unheard of.

Today yoga is sexy. It's where people go to hook up or recruit coven angels. It's about a room full of sweaty tight toned bodies in skimpy tight Lululemon shorts. It's being groomed to be a competition event in the next Olympics. It's about branding, franchising and selling your pubes in jars. It's about getting a title like "Swami Springer Sisters", or "Guru Lickmyonion", or "Crusty Nono Myass". It's about showing off some crazy postures that put the Cirque du Soleil dancers to shame. It's a luxurious vacation in some all-inclusive resort in Barbados with hot mermaids. It's some white dude demanding to be addressed by the Hindu name he picked. Shit, if all fail, create your own cult religion, or copyright your ass movement sequence and call it "the roots" "the vomit".

Hmm... that doesn't sound very sexy at all.

Fast forward...

Some of us have been labeled as non-yogic because we have the ability to feel anger.

Random and unsexy thoughts

Here it goes... I'm turning 21 today. Yeah, I know, it's hard to believe Sarcastic Yogi is already in his 20s and is such an international sensation shit. On this auspicious shri grace-filled day, I invite you to ask yourself these questions:

1. Would you date "you", as in, if you were a third-person in the conversation, would you date "you" in an non-narcissistic, non-masturbatory way?
2. If yes, why?
3. If no, why?
4. Who would attend your funeral? Who wouldn't? Why?
5. Those who would attend your funeral, what'd be in their eulogy?

Time for some more cake.

A Bollywood classic

Well, I deleted a blog I worked on for a few days by accident... baaaah! I needed to look at something inspiring to ease the pain. So here you go, the classic Indian nipple song. Spicy!

Shit my family says (Part 2): what is your default?

From time to time I get questions from "anonymous". The questions typically range from "Are you Satan?" to "Can I be your coven angel (or fairy)?". Sometimes I get "How is it possible an auspicious divine being like Sarcastic Yogi to be single for 10 years?". But the most common one is "How did you become Sarcastic Yogi?", or something along that line.

Rewind...

So I aired out a little dirty laundry in one of my recent blogs, which half of it was practically written by my family, specifically shit my family says. You can read it here. I also disclosed my own dirty secret that I listened to audio books. Yes, I know, that's not really reading. Bite me. But I digress... lets talk about another book I "read" in one of my trips to see my folks... hmm... reading and driving, that sounds kind of dangerous... but I digress, I "read" a book by comedian Lisa Lampanelli called "Chocolate, please". 

Lisa Lampanelli (who shall be referred to as LL from hereon, but not to be confused with the unfortunate Lindsay Lohan who has the same initials) is a comedian who desperately tries to be as crude and offensive as Sarcastic Yogi. She calls herself "Comedy's Loveable Queen of Mean" and her website is insult comic dot com. That should give you an idea about her style and why I see her as a copycat. "Chocolate, please" is her autobiography and the inspiration to the following:

- Only dead people should have books written about them. 
- "Autobiography" is a stupid word. It suggests you will automatically have a book written about you even when you are some womanizing pretentious doughy manipulative abusive cult-loving lying cheating asshole guru named John. 
- What's more stupid is AUTO suggests that you write your own book about your own life even when you are some womanizing pretentious doughy manipulative abusive cult-loving lying cheating asshole guru named John.
- Why would anyone pay to read a book about some womanizing pretentious doughy manipulative abusive cult-loving lying cheating asshole guru named John?
- Who the hell is this womanizing pretentious doughy manipulative abusive cult-loving lying cheating asshole guru named John?
- Is this womanizing pretentious doughy manipulative abusive cult-loving lying cheating asshole guru named John dead or alive or real... does he have his own angelic coven followers? 
- What has John done to deserve a biography or at least an autobiography?
- Who in the right mind would buy and read this shit? 

But I digress... dang, I digress a lot in this blog... without further ado... *phew*... LL helped me realize we all have our own default mechanisms that are always on. They are not conscious choices and primarily do two things: 1) your instant first reaction to or opinion about anything, and 2) your first line of defense. Consider them your primal survival instincts, after you remove all your learning of rational thinking, analytical thinking, proper behaviours, social norms, significance of patience, etc. Over time they develop into other things like your preference and style. Of course they can change depending on life experience and other shit. You may learn to like something after your initial distaste for it according to your default. 'Nuff said.

You know that game which someone says a word and you have to say the first thing comes to mind? That'd be a pretty good indicator of your default at that moment.

Rewind some more...

A scorpion asked a frog to carry him across a river. The frog was afraid he might get stung by the the scorpion. The scorpion argued that if he stung the frog, they would both drown. The frog agreed. Midway across the river the scorpion stung the frog. When asked why, the scorpion said, "I can't help it, it is in my nature."

Fast forward...

Time to air out more dirty laundry. You know you want it.

How to be gentle, sensitive and truthful at the same time

Yesterday my friend Jumbo Jugs Jojo needed help on how to provide feedback without hurting the person's feelings. I'll share with you a few things that you can say when you are in a similar situation.

Jumbo Jugs Jojo asked: "I love my assistant. She is smart, driven and proactive. But how do I tell her I'm keeping my office door closed this afternoon because she is wearing too much cheap perfume and I can't bear to smell it?"

Sounds familiar?

Here were my suggestions:
- You are wearing too much cheap perfume and I can't bear to smell it.
- Your cheap perfume does not mask your ugly.
- You don't need perfume. You need a bag over your head.
- What perfume are you wearing? Maxi Pad?
- Did you puke on yourself? You smell like you did.
- Whoever bought you that perfume must really hate you.

Simple yet sensitive. I know, the truth hurts and might make you unpopular.

PS: Congratulations, Jumbo Jugs Jojo, you made my blog!