White spandex: the nightmare of all yoga teachers

I am NOT judging at all... and even though it is not really what this clip is about... white spandex MUST BE BANNED everywhere in the world except in porn studios and your own home.

Seriously.

Real *food* for thought

When a child is hungry...

Food for thought

Some very helpful tips for all of my beloved yoga friends.

Laughing... yoga!?

It's not often that Sarcastic Yogi is speechless. This is one of those rare, precious times...

"I love having sex with people."

Courtesy of my yoga friend Ray Ray. Don't get your knickers in a bunch. It's called HUMOUR.
Two Yogis Discuss The John Friend Scandal
by: thebabarazzi

Unfuck! Unfuck!

Courtesy of my "secret" Anusara yogi friend somewhere down there in the south... please listen, pause, reflect and laugh. Don't forget to reflect and laugh.

Multiple personality disorder in a relationship (Part 2 of Part 2): Universal Principles of Asshole

Rewind...

I got a note from "anonymous": 
Your blog would of been much nicer if you didn't use those harsh language. 

I wrote back:
Thank you, "anonymous", but I don't think using the term NOT BEING NICE has the same effect as ASSHOLE. Also, could you kindly tell me what a "nice" blog is?

"anonymous" emailed me back within minutes:
Clearly you can not talk about others that way, you don't know all the details and truth, your blog is inappropriate and offensive and hurting people, you have no rights to talk trash

With gratitude and explosive shri, I wrote back:

First of all, it's "would HAVE been". Second, in that particular context, you should HAVE used "cannot" as one word. Third, "those" implies plural, which means you should HAVE said "if you didn't use those harsh languageS". Moreover, this is my blog and I am just telling stories from my own point of view. Clearly, you have no concept of sarcasm or correct grammar. I understand your pain since the truth does hurt sometimes. Have a wonderful and educational day.


"anonymous" has not written back as of today.

Fast forward...

the real beauty comes from within

While working on my next blog, I found this amazing clip about finding your own true beauty... 300% shri... total shri... aahh...

Multiple personality disorder in a relationship (Part 1 of Part 2): the one you love is an asshole

Multiple personality disorder in a relationship (Part 1 of Part 2): the one you love is an asshole

Lets get this out of the way, I am no guru *cough* of relationship. Actually, I’m not a guru *cough* of anything.

Unlike Dr. Phil, I don’t pretend to be an expert in things that I don’t know much about and I still have hair on my head. You just wait, he’ll soon be selling hair growth products and lecturing on how to perform lobotomy with only a tampon.

Having an opinion doesn’t make you an expert, I wish more people realized that.

Rewind...

Just like everyone else, I have baggage, demons and skeletons in the closet, mostly from my childhood. As a child, by instinct you look to your parents for guidance and love. We were all naive and uncontaminated once. Obviously things don’t always turn out the way you want or expect.

Fast forward...

What if the one you love is an asshole?

Happy Valentine's day to all the lovers, the married and bitter, and the single and slutty

Shri! Shri! Shri! Love! Love! Love!

Multiple personality disorder in a relationship (Part 1)

Now that we know any relationship is technically a big messy clutter of fuck, lets go deeper into the rabbit hole.

As per me, sarcastic yogi, the most smartest beautifulest thing ever created in all heavens and universe under the 1st Ascension of the High Court of Stargate Voyager... *gasp*... sorry, I got a little carried away...

Everyone, in any relationship, has some kind of social and caste duty in accord with the cosmic order, in that big messy clutter of fuck.

Translation: it ain't a free ride, my love. Work it. Pay up. Prepare to eat crow.

Saraswati called: Dharma of Relationship... or else!

 My phone rang after I dropped off The Divine Miss N at her house yesterday. 

*dood* *dood*

"Hello?"

"Hi, I'd like to speak to Sarcastic Yogi."

"You're speaking to him."

"This is Saraswati. You are an asshole."

"That's nice, dear. I thought you were a goddess. Do you kiss your worshipers with that dirty mouth?"

"Listen, asshole! I don't kiss my worshipers, ok? I know better not to have physical contact with my minions, ok? And how dare you call me boring! I am the Goddess of Knowledge! I will fucking cut you!"

Then I realized what it was all about. Saraswati was mad at me for calling her boring and didn't include her in my previous blog, which I talked about Kali, the raw energry, and Lakshmi, the refinement, amid the latest yoga drama.

Uh oh! The last thing I want is pissing off a goddess, or a god, or anyone with more than two arms, or anyone who has a peacock as a pet... a peacock! You know anyone who has a peacock prancing around in his/her home? And Saraswati has that guitar thing that she can whack my head with!

"Fine, I'll burn some incense and say Hail Mary 3 times."

"Oh no, asshole. You need to do the right thing. You need to go THERE and talk about Dharma of Relationship. I don't give a shit how uncomfortable this topic is for you. DO IT OR IMA FUCKING CUT YOU! ASSHOLE!"

*click*

This is major. It's one thing that I piss someone off. Damn, I do that on an hourly basis and I am loving every second of it. But it is quite another when a goddess dumps this shit on you.

And she called me an asshole.

Of course I called upon the lessons I learned in highschool on writing essays. You start with a definition of sort, citing the source... you know, the easy way out. So here it goes...

According to the internet, the Webster's dictionary and Encyclopaedia Britannica,

Dharma = social and caste duty in accord with the cosmic order
Relationship = a big messy clutter of fuck

"Dharma of Relationship" means "social and caste duty in accord with the cosmic order" of " a big messy clutter of fuck"...

hmm... that sounds about right.

Kali caught on tape!

Kali disguised as a feisty old lady with a potty mouth on a bus. Don't mess with Kali! Stupid!

Kali says: cross this line and I'll fucking cut your head off

The Divine Miss N has been one of my yoga teachers and an integral part of my yogic journey for a very long time. She and I share, surprisingly, a lot in common, yet we are very different in all the bells and whistles. We are both introverts. We both have to deal with similar demons. We have studied with some of the same teachers, which enables us to help each other out when we try to explore the "more harder, more dangerous" asanas. In fact, she's dropped me on my head a few times in my early days of exploring dropback, but I keep going back for more. She's also one of the very few yogis that I've allowed into my home to practice. My filthy condo is my fucking sacred temple, ok?

And yes, she is much nicer than me. Bite me.

When shit hit the fan last week, The Divine Miss N and I had a long chat, which in part inspired me to start this blog that nobody reads.

Here's the deal, most introverts are thinkers... most, not all, some are just inadvertent idiots... and being an introvert doesn't mean being shy, we just stay in the back, lurk in the dark, keep our mouths shut, observe and conjure up shit in our heads.

So when two introverts, who have similar experiences in life and stuff, have a long conversation, you know it's bound to be some juicy shit.

This is also where it gets interesting. You see, The Divine Miss N is A) my teacher, B) as crude as it sounds, a service provider, C) my fellow yoga buddy, D) my friend.

Blurry boundaries? You betcha. I'll talk more about that in a different blog.

And to reflect on that certain current event, there are striking similarities, though thank Jeebus, none of that "sensual energy moving" ritual here.

No. No. No. Never have, never will. The yuck factor is just too high.

There are lines you simply do not cross. This is one of them... and women with tattoos and piercings are just not my thing. I'm too conservative and traditional that way. I like them pure, stupid and with enormous breasts (if she can see her feet while looking down, they are too small), but I digress...

Fast forward...

The Divine Miss N talked about Kali and Lakshmi in her Thursday class, which was very refreshing and fitting.

How NOT to behave as a yoga teacher

Some of you should know how hard it is for me to not make any smartass remark here. But this is also time for us ,who have been deeply impacted by that certain current event in the yoga community, to laugh and relax a little. We all need that. Om shanti.

A simple healing restorative yoga sequence

I just got home from The Divine Miss N's Thursday restorative yoga class. Naturally the class was calming, healing and rejuvenating. I was tasked with recording the "cooling" (aka easy) sequence towards the end. Unfortunately my cellphone crapped out and the video looks weird and almost black-and-white. Nonetheless, here it is...




I think I missed a couple of poses in the "active" portion of the class.

You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!

Pinky Bombmaker sent me a text message yesterday, saying that he ran into Bobo Toyotasubaru after many years with no communication.

It was only recently that Bobo Toyotasubaru re-surfaced after his breakup with his ex, Granny Magicpothead. We got in touch with each other again on FB.

The breakup was epic. There was betrayal, infidelity, drugs, lies and fireworks. That is, according to Granny Magicpothead... Both Pinky Bombmaker and I met up with him for dinner and found out the “truth” of their breakup. Granny Magicpothead was “obviously” the victim, so hurt, chose to tell lies because he cared, had a near-death experience because he was mercilessly attacked by Bobo Toyotasubaru... aaw, poor thing!

You see, Granny Magicpothead has this magical power to invoke violence in all of us. On one occasion I wanted to shove an explosive device in his ass. His magic is just that powerful, but I digress...

Bobo Toyotasubaru simply vanished without saying shit to any of us, as if nothing happened other than the breakup. Not a boo even after he re-surfaced.

So what happened between the two of them on that fabled night?

The truth is... the REAL truth (as opposed to the FAKE truth, ha!) probably lies somewhere in between. You know, things out of context, out of sequence, conveniently overlooked, pulled out of his anus, that sort of thing.

Fast forward...

In light of a certain current event in the yoga community, it’s important to talk about satya (truth).

There is this innate bitch in all us, which manifests into this curious beast to find the truth. But here’s the thing:

Same objective but all kinds of intentions, and don’t get me started on how some people go about it (alignment? action? attitude?)

How to fully embrace vrksasana, the tree pose

The secret of a beautiful yet challenging pose, vrksasana or the tree pose

A great vinyasa practice

This is a fantastic vinyasa practice that focuses on breathing and alignment. Highly recommended.

OMG! YOGA? WTF?

This is typically how a lot of people look when they first hear that I practice yoga and I am passionate about it. After the twitching subsides, they usually have some mildly stupid but enlightening questions and comments. Mildly.

Q) Did you just call my question stupid?
A) Sure did. Om shanti.

Q) You do yoga? But I saw you drinking coffee just now!
A) I also drink wine, beer, and play video games. Do you have a point?

Q) You do yoga? But you had chicken for lunch!
A) They were out of hamburger.

Q) You do yoga? But you just used the F word!
A) No, I said "hello darling, how the fuck are you today?".

Q) You do yoga? But you are not skinny!
A) I am pregnant with twins.

Q) Shouldn't you be in a temple or something?
A) What does that have to do with me practicing yoga?
Q) I mean, shouldn't you be like, chanting in front of candles and stuff?
A) I only do that after I cast voodoo spells. (form hand seals and point at the person) Hakuna matata! Om! Om!

Q) I can't cross my legs in the lotus position.
A) What does that have to do with me practicing yoga?
Q) Well, you know, I'm not bendy.
A) Seriously, what does that have to do with me practicing yoga?
Q) I don't get it. (looking confused)
A) Neither do I. Have a fantastic day!

You get the point.

Hakuna matata! Om! Om!

If you were alone in a forest...

(I wrote this many moons ago and got lost on FB)

if u were alone in a forest and farted, would it be wrong to blame it on the trees?

if u were alone in a forest and had a *wet* fart, would it be wrong to not change your pants and keep walking?

if u were alone in a forest and needed to fart, would it be wrong to not hold it and just let it rip?

if u were alone in a forest, would it be wrong to try and light your fart?

further to the above, if you burnt yourself, would it be wrong to cry and have a fit like a baby?

further to the above, would it be wrong to blame it on the trees?

all kinds of dilemma when u are alone in a forest

Can you see the elephant in the room?

So here it goes...

Basically, this all started because of my very dear friend Princess Madgelover... well, kind of... anyway, one day we were on our way to my other very dear friend, Pinky Bombmaker, for a social outing of sort. Princess Madgelover was in a very slightly pissy mood (allegedly! allegedly!). So naturally, without sugarcoating, he called out shit on everyone in our social circle. You know, he is kind and sensitive like that.

"I'm just sayin'! Just throwing it out there!"

Rewind...

There's been some serious yoga drama. No shit. How's that for irony, eh? And let me tell ya, the irony is thick, like a 24oz Fat Burger thick.

And juicy.

It reminded me of Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker in Star Wars. A gifted parent had a gifted child. The parent went to the dark side while the child took the path of light.

You all know how the story ends.

One thing to remember, the child can continue to grow and inspire, without the parent who is off to lala land.

Fast forward a little...