Friday, 7 August 2015

I am what I am

Well, well, well... life has a funny way of sneaking upon ya when ya think everything's ok and everything's going right... thank you, Alanis. I was not thinking of you when I fucked her.

How's that for a sensical and obscure blog opener? If you know the references, you have just dated yourself. Those bits happened 20 years ago. And yes, it's been a long time since I posted my last blog, which was about that chunk of a Scientology gay hunk Tom Cruise. Life threw a couple minor curveball my way in the last few months, nothing major and nothing bad really. Sometimes ya oughta get out of your comfort zone, like me doing my first ever mud race. Getting mud in your junk and asshole is just so refreshing that everyone should try it at least once. Towards the end of the race I reignited the fire of a recent injury in my leg but I refused to give up. There's no way I would pass up the chance of sliding down a muddy slide and feeling the dirty water caressing my anus! Hmm... is there such a thing as muddy water fetish? I may have it.

My point is: I was just being my stubborn (or determined?) self. Screw the ability to do virasana ever again. I want my anus in dirty, muddy water!

[Rewind a little]

There's been a lot of talk about Caitlyn Jenner, formerly known as Kim and Kris Kadarshian's bitch... I joke! I joke! Put away your pitchforks and fire torch, please.

Honestly, I knew next to nothing about Bruce Jenner except he won a bunch of Olympic medals many moons ago, and that he's a sideshow on that trashy Kadarshian trashy trash trash reality trash show. Did I mention that it's a trashy reality show? Yes, it is trashy, you know, like really trashy except it's even trashier, like a big pile of steamy fecal matter with a cherry on top. I admit I did watch almost a full episode of that trashy show on a plane. It was about Kim Kadarshian having a shitty day because her hair didn't look right or something. Nothing against the Kadarshians, but please kindly go away, buy yourself a landfill and throw yourself and your kula in it. Trash belongs to landfills.

My point is that I paid them no mind until Bruce, or Caitlyn's transformation. This is not a blog about whether the term "tranny" is derogatory or insensitive. Though I do think the outcry of the use of the term "tranny" is a little much. Stop victimizing yourself and own it. But I digress. It is obviously a big decision for Caitlyn and it is more than a publicity stunt. No man would wake up one day and decide to chop off his junk to get some press. If he happens to make some money along the way, bonus!

Caitlyn wanted to be Caitlyn and she finally did it. Kudos to her.

[Rewind a whole bunch]

I was always told by my parents to socialize and mingle and have a gazillion friends, while I just wanted to stay in and read a book, or masturbate, or something people do alone. In my parents' eyes, I was defective because I wasn't a "normal" kid like my cousins or our neighbours' kids. I was too short, too fat and had no hair on my legs. I wasn't interested in buzzing around people like flies around shit. I needed corrective spectacles and loved to masturbate. I was never permitted to be me, the introverted me, the insightful and intelligent me, the sexy me, the sarcastic me. Shit, I got in trouble so many times because I didn't address my grandmas as elders properly. They were assholes. When I did address them, it was never in a beautiful and poetic manner as they expected. Eventually I realized I would never get my parents' or their mothers' approval because I am not what they want me to be. Now I am trying and doing things (mostly) according to my own agenda... things that my parents frown on like running a mud race, yoga, a nice haircut, video games, excessive masturbation or shaving my pubes.

I gotta be me.

In the last few years I did a lot of psychocharacterwhatiswrongwithyou type of analysis. The yoga meltdown in 2012 made me examine ME a lot. For the longest time I didn't even realize I was an introvert. By the way, introverts rule the universe!

I never fully embraced my sense of humour and cuntiness until I gave myself permission to express myself. The fact is we too often seek approval from the wrong people, AND the other fact is we need to find out who we are and accept ourselves for who we are. But this does not mean some of you sickos should run to a grocery store and start humping a pack of ground beef or start peeing in your granny's coffee... hmm... well, I would totally piss in my grannies' coffee but that's beside my point. The important thing, which is also something I'm still working on, is to accept who you are and be comfortable with it. If who you are needs help, then by all means get help and don't deny it. Don't deny who you are.

Once you have found and accepted who you are, clarity comes. You can smell and see bullshit, grow as a person, your anus blossoms, unicorns humping, so on and so forth.

All is well and everything is hunky-dory, right?

What if, your true innate self is an asshole? Do you still want to acknowledge and accept your true innate self as an asshole? Do you even know your true and innate self is an asshole? Would you or should you embrace your assholeness and be an asshole?

Exhibit 1: There's a lot of ass here, and not just Kim's.
Without a doubt his true innate self is a perverted misogynist asshole. He even admitted to drugging his victims... 35 of them and counting. He still denies any "legal" transgression, claiming either everything was consensual or he has never met these women, though his actions prove that he is a perverted misogynist asshole. He is being his true innate self as a perverted misogynist asshole but he doesn't see himself as perverted or misogynist. His logic is: they didn't say no (because they were drugged so they couldn't), therefore, it's consensual and nothing illegal. Since it's consensual and not illegal, he is not a perverted misogynist asshole and everyone should shut up about it. In his eyes, he is practically the defender of morals.

Exhibit 2: SUUUUPAAAHHHH SAIYAAAAN 超サイヤ人ゴッド!!!!!
Need I say more? That hair is clearly the manifestation of his inner racist egotistic assholeness. Look at it! His hair demands your attention on all runways and red carpets! In fact, I think 80% of his blood circulates in his hair while the rest is split between his mouth and his penis. None for his brain though... obviously he doesn't use it or need it. He surely knows he is a racist egotistic asshole. Not only does he embrace his assholeness, but also he capitalizes on it. For that, I say "well done, Mr. Future President of USA!"

Exhibit 3: Asshole Guru John Sans Testicles
Exhibit 4: Bikram Speedon't
CASE #3 & #4
These two yoga guru fine specimen of integrity require no introduction. I would love to see them in some bareback scat fisting porn. In fact, I think I have... I think the film was called "bareback scat play with asshole yoga guru" or something Sridaiva like that. Pig out on your innate perverted misogynist assholeness? Check! Deny any legal transgression? Check! Blame everyone else? Check! Slimy as fuck? Check! Gi-normous ego? Check! Have your own cult? Check! Inappropriate sexual relations with students? Check!

Wait a sec... if accepting and embracing yourself is a good thing, what has gone wrong with these assholes? They are just accepting and embracing their asshole selves, right?

I am glad you asked, my children!

My other buddy Buddha says it best: nothing you can bring except your own deeds.

Don't get your panties in a bunch and hear me out. Y'all have heard of a variation of it, you know, like "you are what you eat", "you reap what you sow", Newton's third law of physics and of course "karma". What Buddha means, in simple terms, is that your own deeds are the only thing you can bring with you when you pass. They are the only thing matters at the end of the day. It goes beyond "being yourself" or "embracing yourself", because if by being yourself is hurting others, that is a bad deed you'll carry with you even when there's no apparent repercussion. A bad deed is a bad deed, legal or otherwise. Ya hear, Mr. Cosby?

Remember an asshole named Hitler who really believed in himself and started a thing called World War II? Or that boy who embraces his inner child and cries wolf too many times? Things didn't turn out too well for him. But in Caitlyn Jenner's case, being herself has given her a voice to speak out for many who face the same challenge. That's a good deed in my book.

Like the notches on your bedposts... they may turn out to be genital warts, or you can still wear white when you walk down the aisle. The notches will always be on your bedposts.

A virgin bride with genital warts... that's quite a juxtaposition.

Only you carry your deeds, dead or alive. Capisce?

I wonder how yoga gurus John Sans Testicles and Bikram Speedon't would answer the question "do you love and embrace yourself as a perverted misogynist asshole?".

At the time of writing, Guru Purnima had just passed. GP is a festival in India and Nepal dedicated to (spiritual) teachers. I want to thank those who have shown me the paths. Those who act, look and smell like a dirty asshole, I want to thank you for showing me what not to do as a person with integrity. If I stopped coming your class, or if I make a point of erasing your existence in social media, it's time you looked in the mirror, or urinated on the floor and looked in the puddle. Your self, your action, your karma, your deed.

Time to wash that mud off my anus.

Wednesday, 1 April 2015

Scientologist Tom Cruise Speaks Out Against Arkansas Discriminatory Bill

Scientology's Freedom Medal of Valor winner Tom Cruise

| Daily SY News | 04.01.2015 |

Scientology's Freedom Medal of Valor winner and High Heels For Men advocate Tom Cruise held a news conference today to publicly denounce the Arkansas religious bill, which many viewed as discrimination against gays and lesbians. Cruise urged Arkansas Gov. Asa Hutchinson to send the Religious Freedom Restoration Act back to the Republican-controlled state legislature for a rewrite.

With fellow Scientologist and life partner John Travolta by his side, Cruise fought back tears while speaking to the crowd.

"As a Scientologist with a short stature, I experience discrimination everyday", said Cruise. "Just this morning Richard Gere and I went to the SPCA to... hmm... rescue some gerbils... you know, for leisure and stuff... Richard got his no problem but I was denied because my belief in Xenu burdened SPCA's policy on common sense. That's what they said. They called me... an abuse-enabling shorty."

"How can this still happen in this day and age? I am denied of the leisure of gerbil because I'm a Scientologist. Don't they know I am a level 8 Operating Thetan, the highest there is in Scientology? Level 8! A level that brings about a resurgence of power and native abilities for myself? Y'all Suppressive Peeps just don't get it! That means I have superpowers. I can talk to Xenu and Ronnie H [note: this is how Scientologists address founder L. Ron Hubbard] any time via telepathy. Don't get me started on how much money I spent to get to OT8. Good thing I got millions from making movies and stuff."

Cruise recalled a disturbing incident at Disneyland with his ex-wife Nicole Kidman. He was not allowed to go on a ride because he did not meet the minimum height requirement.

"Same thing happened again when I went to Chucky Cheese with my daughter Sushi... err... Suri. She had to go on the little roller coaster by herself because she made the minimum height requirement... well... I didn't."

"Frankly, right now, I am having doubts about having our commitment ceremony in Arkansas", he said while still tightly holding the hand of life partner John Travolta. Cruise and Travolta have always intended to have their commitment ceremony in the headquarters of Walmart in Arkansas. They both have been the winners of People of Walmart.

"What if I can't find a florist who accepts my belief in Xenu and Ronnie H? What if I can't find a band that embraces our practice of blackmailing and brainwashing? What if Nicole or Katie came forward and told the truth? Oh Jeebus, just the thought of it makes me gag!"

Cruise said he even considered giving up his Scientology's Free Medal of Valor. At the end of the day, he just couldn't do it. The thought of disconnecting with the giant shiny medal, or no longer having access to slaves to do chores for free would be too much for the frail short man.

In closing, Cruise had this one final message to Arkansas Gov. Asa Hutchinson.

"Asa... remember the good times we had together? Those secret camping trips that neither of us wanted to tell others? The sleepover nights in your basement while your wife pretended to be asleep? The showers we shared after our massages? The naked workouts? Please! I beg you. Please don't support discrimination by passing this discriminatory bill. You are a big man... and I know it. Please do the right thing."

- Sarcastic Yogi is a writer for Daily SY News. Follow him on Twitter @sarcastic_yogi

Friday, 20 March 2015

12 years a yoga slave

Some people come in our life as blessings. 
Others come in our life as lessons. 
- Mother Teresa

[Rewind a stroke and a half]

"Uranus will be sweetly angled, showering you with surprises"... yes, that was indeed my horoscope for the month of December in 2014. I felt so lucky. Uranus sweetly angled? At me? Bring on the showers with golden surprises!

That would've been a great start to a blog... but it didn't happen. Yes, I know. It's been a long time since I posted a blog. Sorry for depriving y'all of my auspiciously sinful wisdom. Mind you, not that I was short on inspiration... it's more like life got in the way, you know, like porn, masturbation, alcohol... and not in that order. But honestly, I think I am addicted to procrastination. It's delicious and I don't care if it's not conducive to my well being. Screw healthy living! I embrace my vices and porn, thank you very much.

Or perhaps procrastination has its place in the universe?

[Rewind 2.54cm]

I was just in YVR for a short visit. It was a nice break with good food and prearranged booty calls. The weather was surprisingly beautiful. I got to hang out with Wray Wray and we chatted about yoga and boys. I met Wray Wray many moons ago at a 3A yoga wicca grand gathering, and somehow we stayed in touch. And yes, we talked about all of you... well, mostly me badmouthing all of you. I am just awful and hateful that way, but do y'all expect anything less?

After we parted, I kept wondering why it took many of us so long to speak out about the asshole guru John Sans Testicles, and why so many stayed in that pile of steaming fecal matter, knowing they're in a pile of steaming fecal matter. Worse yet, why do some voluntarily keep going back for more, knowing it is a pile of steaming fecal matter?

[Rewind a whole bunch]

I went to my first yoga class 178 years ago, around the same time when Madonna went all spiritual and virginal. The class was in a gym somewhere and led by a lady who looked like Jesus with hairy pits... ok, I can't remember if she looked like Jesus or had hairy pits, but let's just go with that controversial description. Someone gave me a couple of free passes to some yoga intro thing and surely I was determined to learn how to put my legs behind my head for ventilation purposes. The "class" turned out to be a Mysore-style vinyasa inspired practice but led by a lady who looked like Jesus with hairy pits, in a corner somewhere in a gym while there was constant yapping and grunting from other people lifting weights and shit. I had no clue what a down dog was or how to float like Richard Freeman. The lady who looked like Jesus with hairy pits just walked around spewing out "up dog! down dog! jump!" and paid no attention to me who was clearly struggling. Needless to say it was an awful experience and I realized even a lady who looked like Jesus with hairy pits can be a shitty yoga teacher.

I never set foot in another yoga studio until a few years later when I met The Divine Miss N. The rest is history. I finally stopped going to her class in 2013. Before her fans, newly recruited followers, "peers" (I use that term loosely and with a ton of reservation) and such calling me angry, ungrateful, need-to-let-go and other stuff... I am not angry or ungrateful. In fact, I should've stopped going to her class a long time ago, because our relationship never was what I thought it was.

Sorry, I am not going to air any dirty laundry. I have my reasons and let's just leave it at that. But it's more interesting to explore why it took so long than why I did it. That's the real lesson here.

[Fast forward a couple of pounds]

Wow, shit just got really real for Bill Cosby. To the survivors of the 3A yoga inc. meltdown, it sounds awfully familiar. A prominent public figure who allegedly used his status to get into the pants of many. Last I checked at least 18 women came forward. You know what they say: it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, shits like a duck... I wonder if Cosby collected pubes from these women and put them in jars. Allegedly.

Similar to the 3A yoga inc. meltdown, it took the victims years before they finally spoke out. I start to see a pattern here... do you?

[Fast forward two inches]