Sunday, 30 September 2012

Shit my family says (Part 2): what is your default?

From time to time I get questions from "anonymous". The questions typically range from "Are you Satan?" to "Can I be your coven angel (or fairy)?". Sometimes I get "How is it possible an auspicious divine being like Sarcastic Yogi to be single for 10 years?". But the most common one is "How did you become Sarcastic Yogi?", or something along that line.


So I aired out a little dirty laundry in one of my recent blogs, which half of it was practically written by my family, specifically shit my family says. You can read it here. I also disclosed my own dirty secret that I listened to audio books. Yes, I know, that's not really reading. Bite me. But I digress... lets talk about another book I "read" in one of my trips to see my folks... hmm... reading and driving, that sounds kind of dangerous... but I digress, I "read" a book by comedian Lisa Lampanelli called "Chocolate, please". 

Lisa Lampanelli (who shall be referred to as LL from hereon, but not to be confused with the unfortunate Lindsay Lohan who has the same initials) is a comedian who desperately tries to be as crude and offensive as Sarcastic Yogi. She calls herself "Comedy's Loveable Queen of Mean" and her website is insult comic dot com. That should give you an idea about her style and why I see her as a copycat. "Chocolate, please" is her autobiography and the inspiration to the following:

- Only dead people should have books written about them. 
- "Autobiography" is a stupid word. It suggests you will automatically have a book written about you even when you are some womanizing pretentious doughy manipulative abusive cult-loving lying cheating asshole guru named John. 
- What's more stupid is AUTO suggests that you write your own book about your own life even when you are some womanizing pretentious doughy manipulative abusive cult-loving lying cheating asshole guru named John.
- Why would anyone pay to read a book about some womanizing pretentious doughy manipulative abusive cult-loving lying cheating asshole guru named John?
- Who the hell is this womanizing pretentious doughy manipulative abusive cult-loving lying cheating asshole guru named John?
- Is this womanizing pretentious doughy manipulative abusive cult-loving lying cheating asshole guru named John dead or alive or real... does he have his own angelic coven followers? 
- What has John done to deserve a biography or at least an autobiography?
- Who in the right mind would buy and read this shit? 

But I digress... dang, I digress a lot in this blog... without further ado... *phew*... LL helped me realize we all have our own default mechanisms that are always on. They are not conscious choices and primarily do two things: 1) your instant first reaction to or opinion about anything, and 2) your first line of defense. Consider them your primal survival instincts, after you remove all your learning of rational thinking, analytical thinking, proper behaviours, social norms, significance of patience, etc. Over time they develop into other things like your preference and style. Of course they can change depending on life experience and other shit. You may learn to like something after your initial distaste for it according to your default. 'Nuff said.

You know that game which someone says a word and you have to say the first thing comes to mind? That'd be a pretty good indicator of your default at that moment.

Rewind some more...

A scorpion asked a frog to carry him across a river. The frog was afraid he might get stung by the the scorpion. The scorpion argued that if he stung the frog, they would both drown. The frog agreed. Midway across the river the scorpion stung the frog. When asked why, the scorpion said, "I can't help it, it is in my nature."

Fast forward...

Time to air out more dirty laundry. You know you want it.

Wednesday, 26 September 2012

How to be gentle, sensitive and truthful at the same time

Yesterday my friend Jumbo Jugs Jojo needed help on how to provide feedback without hurting the person's feelings. I'll share with you a few things that you can say when you are in a similar situation.

Jumbo Jugs Jojo asked: "I love my assistant. She is smart, driven and proactive. But how do I tell her I'm keeping my office door closed this afternoon because she is wearing too much cheap perfume and I can't bear to smell it?"

Sounds familiar?

Here were my suggestions:
- You are wearing too much cheap perfume and I can't bear to smell it.
- Your cheap perfume does not mask your ugly.
- You don't need perfume. You need a bag over your head.
- What perfume are you wearing? Maxi Pad?
- Did you puke on yourself? You smell like you did.
- Whoever bought you that perfume must really hate you.

Simple yet sensitive. I know, the truth hurts and might make you unpopular.

PS: Congratulations, Jumbo Jugs Jojo, you made my blog!

Friday, 14 September 2012

Shit my family says

I had to unleash the sarcastic beast in my last blog because of some yoga guru fake wiccan nymphomaniac doughy Grand Magus pothead had begun teaching some modified Bikram DaRoots sequence after the shitstorm he started. John is free to do what he chooses to and it's not my job to stop him. He might be an asshole, but he still has bills to pay. It costs money to keep his doughy figures, ya know. However, it is also important that people are informed and reminded of all the shit he did, before they make their decisions. Unconditional forgiveness is stupid and dangerous, and there are things should never be forgotten.

This blog is a bit more personal. No need to get your knickers in a bunch.

Going home to visit my folks has never been easy, and it gets progressively more difficult each time for different reasons. This time (almost three weeks ago really) was exceptionally hard because unlike the many previous times when I could go incognito, not only all my in-town relatives knew I was coming home, but I also had to babysit entertain some visiting relatives from London UK whom I had not seen since 600 BC.

Good time... yeah right. My only assignment was to make my parents proud even though they constantly and relentlessly embarrass me in public or at home. If that's their dharma... well, that's just a very sick joke on me.

Lets start with airing out some dirty laundry.

In case you haven't noticed already, contrary to what Lady Gaga claims, I wasn't exactly born this way. It took many years of melodrama, ass-whooping, being parented by bad parenting skills acquired from even worse parents, yoga workshops, therapy sessions, red hot chili resentment, WTF's, OMG's and such to give birth to Sarcastic Yogi. It is neither good nor bad, it just is. I know this applies to everyone on this planet, except he/she would have a different name and not as epic as Sarcastic Yogi. We all have family stuff. Like it or not, simplicity is almost never part of the recipe of family drama, except in a case like "my father is simply an asshole". We are involuntarily assigned titles like "brother" or "mother" or "granny" or "cousin" or "aunt" or "in-law" or "son" or "step-sister"... They are like hashtags on twitter, which the more tags you have, the more people are involved, and you may not like or even know them. To those who don't know what a hashtag is, Google it. And to those who don't know what Google is... well, there is no way in hell you could've made it this far to my blog. No way. Satan said so.

But I digress... it's a 2-3 hour drive to my parents', depending on how much speeding I can get away with on the highway. The drive is usually my chance to catch up on "reading", i.e. audio books. While I was listening to "Shit My Dad Says" by Justin Halpern on my way home, it dawned on me that my family has some crazy shit to say, too, except it's often not as insightful, and it's always more ridiculous than funny. For the out-of-the-loop, "Shit My Dad Says" is a book and a (cancelled) sitcom based on Justin Halpern's tweets, which are a collection of crazy remarks his dad makes. Anyway, without further ado, here's some shit my family says.

At dinner table, Aunt Miranda met the visiting relatives from London for the first time. Before she said hello:
"Arrgh! I hated London. The food was awful."

At dinner table, after finding out my cousin Don (from London) just had a baby girl:
Aunt Miranda: When did you get married?
Cousin Don: 2000.
Aunt Miranda: What!? It took you 12 years to have a baby?

After finding out Cousin Don's baby girl was adopted:
Aunt Miranda: What!? She's not yours!? You can't make your own baby?

Sunday, 9 September 2012

In memoriam: 3A Not-a-cult Yoga Inc. (1997 - 2012)

[WARNING: not suitable to those with no sense of humour or faint of heart, you know, the usual stuff]

Wassup? Wassup? I was away on vacation and came back to the newest transformation of the coven! Yup, the final nail of the coffin of 3A Not-a-cult Yoga Inc was nailed by none other than the GM himself! Please note I make no references to nailing or urethra massaging of any kind.

Anyway, even more great news: the GM is starting his own new yoga gig after completely ditching his die-hard 3A shri-mongers!

A very bold move. Bravo, Clifford! It is indeed time to replace the old lambs with fresh ones. Why be loyal when you can cheat, on your girlfriends and others?

In memory of the death of 3A Not-a-cult Yoga Inc, and of course in celebration of the GM's new gig, I present to you a collage of photos that captured some of the most inspiring moments in its short shri-filled life. There are things that should not be forgotten. Of course, whatever emotions or memories they dig up, yes, they are your own responsibility and projection of your own shit. Please don't point fingers.

A picture is worth a thousand words. Body language can be quite telling.

PS: Suggestions of captions are most definitely welcome!

Caption 1) "I am just adorable! Don't you want me?"
Caption 2) "Who could resist such a pretty face?"
Caption 3) _______

 Caption 1) "I <3 big melons."
Caption 2) "You need to be at least a D-cup to be my coven angel."
Caption 3) _______

 Caption 1) "This is how you hold the auspicious jugs in your hands."
Caption 2) "Yes, you still need to be at least a D-cup to be my coven angel."
Caption 3) _______

 Caption 1) "Yeah man, those boobs were this big!"
Caption 2) "Look, I already told you, minimum D-cup!"
Caption 3) _______

 Caption 1) "Sorry, there is a minimum D-cup requirement to be my coven angel."
Caption 2) "I'll still do you."
Caption 3) _______

 Caption 1) "Ok, you will feel my hands pushing you down. I need to know how good you are at waking up my one-eyed snake kundalini energy. That's part of the coven angel entry exam."
Caption 2) "You still need to be a D-cup to be my coven angel."
Caption 3) _______

Caption 1) "Her boobs were huge! I had to hold one with both hands."
Caption 2) "Then I just held her head with both hands and pushed her down to meet my root chakra."
Caption 3) _______

 Caption 1) "I was like WTF, I am the Grand Magus! I am supposed to get sensual massages from the angels! What is their problem?"
Caption 2) "I just don't understand what the big deal is. Ok, I screwed my students and staff. So what? I'll change the code of ethics. Whatever. Sheesh!"
 Caption 3) _______

Caption 1) "Holy shit! This is like the XXX version of Disneyland!"
Caption 2) "I didn't grab your boob. I was just checking your shoulder loop."
 Caption 3) _______

 Caption 1) "This is how you perform urethra massage when she's upside down."
Caption 2) "Put your fingers here. She'll thank you later for curing her migraine."
Caption 3) _______
 Caption 1) "Ok, you are going to feel my kundalini energy poking between your shoulder blades while I'm holding your pelvis. That's normal, I am the Grand Magus."
Caption 2) "She's probably just a A-cup... but I'll still do her."
 Caption 3) _______

 Caption 1) "I don't care that you look like a horse. I'm horny. I'll do your whole family."
Caption 2) "Come on! Kiss me! Nobody can resist the sexiness of the Grand Magus!"
 Caption 3) _______

 Caption 1) "Those anal beads feel so good!"
Caption 2) "Explosive orgasmic bliss. So shri."
 Caption 3) _______

 Caption 1) "I can still taste her in my mouth..."
Caption 2) "hmmm... yummy sexy coven angels..."
 Caption 3) _______

 Caption 1) "Oh puleeese, girlfriend! I have the perfect yogi body! I do an asana practice once a month. I am the guru! I am the shit!"
Caption 2) "No worries at all. I'll just change the code of ethics as I see fit."
 Caption 3) _______

 Caption 1) "Dear Shiva, please save me from this mess, please keep the shri-mongers blind and stupid, please shut up those damn Expats... oh dear Shakti, call me when you are single."
Caption 2) "If I pray hard enough, may be they will forget all the shit I've done."
 Caption 3) _______

 Caption 1) "Can you see my auspicious jar of pubes?"
Caption 2) "Yes, I worship anything that will bring me cash and sexy young angels. I'll even get on my knees and do whatever it takes."
 Caption 3) _______

 Caption 1) "OMG! The mermaids want me!"
Caption 2) "So horny right now..."
 Caption 3) _______

 Caption 1) "Yeah, half a million worth of flowers and shit!"
Caption 2) "I am so stoned... who's Kelly Haas?"
 Caption 3) _______

 Caption 1) "Dude, I once smoked a doobie this long!"
Caption 2) "Yes, I do pray that one day I'd be this hung."
 Caption 3) _______

 Caption 1) "So sexy..."
Caption 2) "So shri..."
 Caption 3) _______

Caption 1) "Whatever dude, I'm stoned and don't give a shit!"
Caption 2) "Whatever dude, I own the trademark and company! I'll do whatever I want. Screw those Expats!"
 Caption 3) _______

BONUS vintage clip from the GM. So shri. Enjoy.

John Friend Rants from Pierre on Vimeo.

Open to grace and shri, you'll find peace, or a piece of something.