Thursday, 4 April 2013

A New Paradigm: Pelvic Ventilation Pole Dance Yoga

A New Hatha Yoga Paradigm!

Blessings schmessings to y'all shritesses and angels!

I have something very auspiciously exciting to share with you. Synchronistically, as I just returned to full-time hatha yoga blogging, the new independent, teacher-owned and managed, global new paradigm was launched by Shridaiva Yoga School! And get this: it was co-founded by the dynamically shri-filled the roots yoga guru team, John Sans Testicles and Gasi Sphincter.

Asshole Guru John Sans Testicles is back with rainbow
I was auspiciously blessed with the opportunity to speak with the gurus who invented this adverbfully descriptive and upliftingly transformative hatha yoga paradigm, at their vitally yogic coven in Denver, Colorados.

"Guru John Sans Testicles, how did it all begin?" I asked.

"Guess how many hatha yoga teachers in the US had migraine headache related hip replacing operations last year in 2012?", John replied. I sat down on his bearskin rug next to him and Gasi, watching him taking puffs from that brightly beautifully splendid and vibrant doobie.

Years ago John Sans Testicles first heard of long-time hatha yoga teachers and pole dancers having hip replacements as young as in their 40’s. This was generally accepted as a normal result of individualistically genetic propensities or a natural wearing of the hip socket due to a lot of physical activity within regular yoga or pole dance. However, today the numbers of hip replacements within yoga, pole dance and all of the US society today is alarmingly high and highly alarming, in John's correctly right estimation, and far from what John thinks is a naturally joint degenerative degeneration.

"In Shridaiva yoga, Gasi Sphincter and I have been exploring each other's pelvis and teaching a newly avant garde alignment definition of ‘neutral’ position for the pelvis and nipples. This luminousingly paradigm-shifting alignment hatha yoga pole dance system has already clearly demonstrated an astonishing improvement in the health of students’ hips. All are transformatively showing their moose knuckles and camel toes with pride and shri! Our cuttingly edgy alignment technology includes learning how to isometrically engage all the main muscles of the vaginas, hips, and tongues, then creating an optimal energetically ‘neutral’ shri alignment at your junk. In general, our conceptual idea of neutral hip and lower nipples alignment is to actively create a pulsationally thrusting pelvic alignment in which the pelvic floor is level and aligned with optimal airflow right at your crotch." 

The Power of T-12 and Pelvic Ventilation

John Sans Testicles also discovered the mysterious secret of T-12 and how pranically vital it helps maintain maximum airflow in your crotch. Right a way immediately John phoned a couple of gynecologists to confirm the power of T-12 and the vital yoga auspicity and shrinormous effulgenceness of airing out your crotch. This was a newly avant garde discovery, especially in particular of that the power of T-12 which nobody in the hatha yoga community has never not yet ever not tapped into.

To incorporate this adverbfully descriptive and transformative new hatha yoga alignment paradigm, John Sans Testicles and Gasi Sphincter needed to develop a superly new amazing yoga regime sequence. So John went on a sabbatical, with Gasi by his side on the beach in Barbados, for some much needed reflection and internet porn. For inspiration, they went straightly right back to their roots: pole dance.

"Holy shri!", said John Sans Testicles, blissfully sucking on the doobie. "Both Gasi and I love pole dance. In fact, we have a pole right in our bedroom for Gasi's practice. So it was a no-brainer to copy the moves of pole dance and call it The Pubes. Upon developing this shiftingly transformative hatha yoga sequence, The Pubes, I have brightly returned to teaching as an independent hatha yoga instructor still offering very powerfully awesome alignment technologies."

'"Through regular practice of the complete 108-pose Pubes routine, smoking pranic-filled doobies out of the garden, and daily urethra massage over the last year, I had a profound change in my life, which will be clearly evident when I give you a personally free dharmic pelvis alignment adjustment."

One might ask, what really is this new blissfully blessed new yoga paradigm and sexily transformative yoga sequence called The Pubes? How's it different from another awesomely avant garde trademark pending paradigm, namely Chafed by Ironwoman Jony Stark?