Tuesday, 17 July 2012

More shri yoga products from the 3A Yoga Not-a-cult Inc.

[WARNING: not suitable for the faint of heart, anyone sensitive to strong language or has no sense of humour]

Due to the overwhelmingly positive responses to the last grand entry of sexy yoga products from the 3A Not-a-cult Yoga Inc., I, Sarcastic Yogi, am blessed to bring you even more! These amazing products, again, are the fruit of the loins of many hours of sensual urethra massages and praying to the many jars of pubes on the altar. But more importantly, these auspices were previously only available to the coven members until now! In fact, lets just skip the invocation and the 5-to-7 minutes of certifiable heart-theme nattering and get right to them before our inner body explodes!

The Preparation Shri Ointment

Yes! Yes! Yes! Here it is, the most blessed blessing of all blessings: The Preparation Shri Ointment. This ointment, which by the way is 100% vegan and orgasmic organic, will instantly transform any unsightly self-serving ugly hypocrite to shakti-filled shri auspicious beauty! Don't just listen to me, here are some testimonies from some of our very satisfied and gorgeous customers.

Booyah Anus, owner of some yoga studio in an unknown village in Arizona:
Look at me! Look! Like really seriously, Look! At! Me! I have been trying to advance in the coven angels rank but the Grand Magus would never look at me, not even with my Anussoreass certification. After I smothered my eyes, ears and vagina with the Preparation Shri Ointment, the Grand Magus phoned me instantly and begged me to arrange his first grand gathering after his sabbatical. Like... oh wow! Look at me now! I'm finally one the of GM's main bitches in the front row! I AM HOT! - Your openness, B. Anus

Lulu Flower, some wannabe bitch yoga teacher somewhere in Maine:
Before I used the Preparation Shri Ointment my husband would not even touch me with a 10-foot pole. Then again, I couldn't blame him. My inner sexy shakti was buried deep inside my unholy ugliness.
But look at me now! After using the Preparation Shri Ointment for only a week, my inner sexy shakti exploded like you wouldn't freaking believe! Not only my creepy husband cannot get enough of me now, but he'll also do any dirty work I tell him to, like stalking the viciously vocal minority on the internet or sending creepy private messages to anyone who dares challenge my inner sexy shakti.
So so so freaking shri! I love the Preparation Shri Ointment! I love my creepy dumass husband! I am the embodiment of grace! - Love and light, L. Flower

The Open To Gross Yoga Strap

Oh! My! Goodness gracious me! I'm just going to be upfront and clear. This is what I have been waiting for since I started my satya journey! I can barely contain my excitement when I first found out about The Open To Gross Yoga Strap... in fact, every time a shritard mentions the name, I involuntarily release a little kundalini energy from my dirty snake down there... anyway, this sexy versatile all-purpose strap is a MUST-HAVE yoga prop. The patented red ball is specifically designed to contain your intrinsic goodness, find the spirals in all yoga poses, restructure your mouth, neck, head and tongue loops and some other shit. This very device turned me into a shoulder-stand devotee. YES, it is that auspicious. But most importantly, it quiets anyone who questions or challenges the 3A Not-a-cult Yoga Inc. and its shri-mongering non-cultists.

To those who doubt the power of The Open to Gross Yoga Strap, just ask our very satisfied lambs Larry and Curly (note: Moe is currently on leave in Barbados while planning for a come-back dinner in something vital in Colorado. Roger that! Press this! Man!)

Larry (left): hmmmmmmm.... hmm! hmm!
Curly (right): hmm! hmm! hmmmm....
Larry (left): hmm! hmm!... hmmmmmm...
Curly (right): hmmmmmmmmmm...
Larry (left): hmm! hmm!... harder...
Curly (right): hmmmmmmm... love and light explosion!!! AAAAH... I need a cigarette...

The Auspicious Yoga Strap

Y'all have no idea how blessedly excited I'm about the Auspicious Yoga Strap! Modeled after the original B.K.S. Iyengar strap, The Auspicious Yoga Straps are so well designed that you can't even see the buckle. But it's there, just open to grace and you'll see it. It is designed with one specific thing in mind: ultimate muzzling. Not only are you muzzled but also blinded! This is the first yoga strap ever that you can use on your head to engage your head loop and tongue loop at the same time. By not being allowed to speak or see, you are forced to go inward. Bend over, take it in and take it in deep. So shri.

The Anussoreass Urethra Massage Manual

Published by Anussoreass Press, this highly anticipated book is finally available to non-coven members. The copyrighted, of course, urethra pouch massage technique is highly effective and cures everything from migraine headache to blind stupidity. Not a shocker at all. Many lambs tried but failed to challenge the power of the Anusoreass urethra massage therapy and they are now unconditional devotees. Here's one of many, none other than some self-appointed admin authority of a 3A Not-a-cult Inc. support group on the internet, Ms. Jo Jo Snotty.

Jo Jo Snotty, urethra massage therapy and Ayurvedic Ku-laid devotee:
Although I have always been open to grace and other forms of alternative treatment, I was very skeptical about the Anussoreass urethra massage therapy until the GM personally gave me one. All I can say is OH MY LOIN! My migraine headache was instantly cured and the release was so powerful that I even recommended the Anussoreass urethra massage therapy to my mother! The look on her face after she had her full release (from migraine headache) brought tears to my eyes. I am now able to live a full life of openness, transparency and honesty. Total bliss. So shri. - Blessings, Jo Jo
As a limited-time offer and a thank-you to shri-mongers, the first 100 lambs who order the Preparation Shri Ointment, the Open to Gross Yoga Strap, the Auspicious Yoga Strap and the Anussoreass Urethra Massage Manual together, will not be charged the 10% royalty fee. They will also automatically receive the Anussoreass Urethra Massage Therapist Certificate without a video review. Yes, the GM just cares about his non-cultist shritards that much.

To order, please send cash directly to Wonky Friedtrout, my beloved assistant, or simply leave your Diners Club Card or Discovery Card information in the comment section below.

Blessings to y'all. Namaste.

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