Thursday, 4 April 2013

A New Paradigm: Pelvic Ventilation Pole Dance Yoga

A New Hatha Yoga Paradigm!

Blessings schmessings to y'all shritesses and angels!

I have something very auspiciously exciting to share with you. Synchronistically, as I just returned to full-time hatha yoga blogging, the new independent, teacher-owned and managed, global new paradigm was launched by Shridaiva Yoga School! And get this: it was co-founded by the dynamically shri-filled the roots yoga guru team, John Sans Testicles and Gasi Sphincter.

Asshole Guru John Sans Testicles is back with rainbow
I was auspiciously blessed with the opportunity to speak with the gurus who invented this adverbfully descriptive and upliftingly transformative hatha yoga paradigm, at their vitally yogic coven in Denver, Colorados.

"Guru John Sans Testicles, how did it all begin?" I asked.

"Guess how many hatha yoga teachers in the US had migraine headache related hip replacing operations last year in 2012?", John replied. I sat down on his bearskin rug next to him and Gasi, watching him taking puffs from that brightly beautifully splendid and vibrant doobie.

Years ago John Sans Testicles first heard of long-time hatha yoga teachers and pole dancers having hip replacements as young as in their 40’s. This was generally accepted as a normal result of individualistically genetic propensities or a natural wearing of the hip socket due to a lot of physical activity within regular yoga or pole dance. However, today the numbers of hip replacements within yoga, pole dance and all of the US society today is alarmingly high and highly alarming, in John's correctly right estimation, and far from what John thinks is a naturally joint degenerative degeneration.

"In Shridaiva yoga, Gasi Sphincter and I have been exploring each other's pelvis and teaching a newly avant garde alignment definition of ‘neutral’ position for the pelvis and nipples. This luminousingly paradigm-shifting alignment hatha yoga pole dance system has already clearly demonstrated an astonishing improvement in the health of students’ hips. All are transformatively showing their moose knuckles and camel toes with pride and shri! Our cuttingly edgy alignment technology includes learning how to isometrically engage all the main muscles of the vaginas, hips, and tongues, then creating an optimal energetically ‘neutral’ shri alignment at your junk. In general, our conceptual idea of neutral hip and lower nipples alignment is to actively create a pulsationally thrusting pelvic alignment in which the pelvic floor is level and aligned with optimal airflow right at your crotch." 

The Power of T-12 and Pelvic Ventilation

John Sans Testicles also discovered the mysterious secret of T-12 and how pranically vital it helps maintain maximum airflow in your crotch. Right a way immediately John phoned a couple of gynecologists to confirm the power of T-12 and the vital yoga auspicity and shrinormous effulgenceness of airing out your crotch. This was a newly avant garde discovery, especially in particular of that the power of T-12 which nobody in the hatha yoga community has never not yet ever not tapped into.

To incorporate this adverbfully descriptive and transformative new hatha yoga alignment paradigm, John Sans Testicles and Gasi Sphincter needed to develop a superly new amazing yoga regime sequence. So John went on a sabbatical, with Gasi by his side on the beach in Barbados, for some much needed reflection and internet porn. For inspiration, they went straightly right back to their roots: pole dance.

"Holy shri!", said John Sans Testicles, blissfully sucking on the doobie. "Both Gasi and I love pole dance. In fact, we have a pole right in our bedroom for Gasi's practice. So it was a no-brainer to copy the moves of pole dance and call it The Pubes. Upon developing this shiftingly transformative hatha yoga sequence, The Pubes, I have brightly returned to teaching as an independent hatha yoga instructor still offering very powerfully awesome alignment technologies."

'"Through regular practice of the complete 108-pose Pubes routine, smoking pranic-filled doobies out of the garden, and daily urethra massage over the last year, I had a profound change in my life, which will be clearly evident when I give you a personally free dharmic pelvis alignment adjustment."

One might ask, what really is this new blissfully blessed new yoga paradigm and sexily transformative yoga sequence called The Pubes? How's it different from another awesomely avant garde trademark pending paradigm, namely Chafed by Ironwoman Jony Stark?

Ironwoman Jony Stark: The Chafed Yogic Hatha Paradigm 
"Firstly most of all, Jony Stark does not have the proper attire for maximumized shri pelvic aeration. For this newly transformative new hatha yoga pelvic alignment paradigm technology to work, you must wear sexy shorts short and tight enough to read your lips. This is energetically vital because maximalized airflow and sunlight to your crotch is the importantly key to a healthy pelvis. We all know the only way to have maximalized airflow and sunlight to our crotches is to wear very tight short shorts and thrust our pelvis rhythmatically. Just look at Gasi! She's entirely perfect!"

Then John rolled another doobie and took off his shri speedos previously prior to continuing to speak.

"Secondestly as well, Jony Stark's Chafed yoga paradigm sequence is flawed", said John. "It does not shoot out rainbows or unicorns. And you HAVE TO have rainbows and unicorns for any avant garde newly transformative pelvic alignment to work! In additional most importantestly, you must need to include crotch thrusting yoga asana poses to maximalize pelvic ventilation for highestly healthy hips and to be able to do Johnspeak. The gynecologists I spoke with all stated the critical importance of Johnspeak. This really is the vital key to a healthy crotch. Totally all but not un-dis-imbullshit."

What about with the auspiciously pelvic alignment focused 3A universal principles of urethra alignment? Aren't they the same shri?

"While the shri alignment principles of both systems have a lot of similarities", says John. "Shridaiva focuses on specific direction of muscular integration along the insertion to origin of the main muscles in both the urethra and the anus. 3A 's universal principles of urethra alignment focuses more on shrinormous effuIgence bossoming and opening to gross. Both are awesomely avant garde urethra alignment technology, and yes, I am the sole owner of both of them."

Wait a minute, this sounds just too good to be true! I mean, this sounds like the most beautifulestly conjured auspicy, energetically so brightly avant garde while internally squeezing muscularly, shivaly, shaktily and tantrically, pure totally shri!

And tantrickalestly magickal!

As soon as I mentioned this, John smiled and stopped stroking my well auspiciously oiled shri stick.

"Gasi, why don't you show Sarcastic Yogi what our newly avant garde paradigm T-12 pelvic airing alignment Shridaiva hatha yoga technology is about?"

So there I was, lying on John's bearskin rug, on the verge of having a blissfully blessed Shridaiva auspicious happily ending, Gasi Sphincter, as per John Sans Testicles directives, performed a depthfully shri demo of a partial portion of The Pubes Sequence. After much energetically contractual negotiation with John and Gasi, here are the only allowed portionally representative correct photographs of The Pubes avant garde hatha yoga sequence:

John Sans Testicles resumed stroking my well auspiciously oiled shri stick after I took these beautiful auspiciously avant garde technologically leg opening hatha yoga paradigm regime.

There is just so much depthfully rich shri stuff in this new hatha yoga technology. So I asked John Sans Testicles if he could tell us more.

"Firstly and most foremostly important, this new hathaliously yogic regime paradigm has transformed many people! Transformative! Let me introductioningly present to you, David Hasselhoff!"

  DHoff BEFORE the new paradigm                        DHoff AFTER the new paradigm

Notice the differences in David Hasselhoff before and after the Shridaiva yoga energetically shri auspicious avant garde pelvic ventilation alignment hatha paradigm kidney not-Iyengar loopy spiral technology. Profoundishly importantly to continue  with auspiciously stuff. DHoff is rocking The Pubes sequence with a pole. So shri.

"The best way to learn more about Shridaiva yoga and the power of our newly alignment avant garde technology principles is to come take a class or workshop with Gasi and me", said John. "Just open your heart to grace and open your legs to me. We randomly picked some poses together which became the trademarked sequence The Pubes. Shridaiva yoga also focuses on a wholistic, disciplined lifestyle of pot smoking, urethra massages, and The Pubes as a fundamental asana practice. Come to our vitally yogic coven and check out Gasi's short shorts. Imagine my hands on them... but really, please come. I need your money."

I immediately now signed up after John's magickal hands sent my shri stick to blissful samadhi.

Om shri shanti. What a happy way to end this shrinormously conversational interview with the guru.

Schmessings, y'all.

To find out more, here's the John and Gasi's website: John and Gasi Hatha Auspiciously Yogic School of Stuff

PS: Many gratitudiously appreciative thanks to John Sans Testicles for the auspicious opportunity to speaking with him and watching Gasi's beautifully shri demo of The Pubes. Namaste.

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