[Dear readers, with great honour and explosive pleasure, here it is, from me, Sarcastic Yogi (SG), to you... my first exclusive interview with Kirk Cameron (KC), the alleged reincarnation of the 14th apostle.]
...almost an hour late, finally Kirk Cameron arrived for the interview....
KC: Hi doll! So sorry for being fashionably late. [KC did the vogue dance thing and then struck a pose.]
SG: That's ok and expected. Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule and on such short notice.
KC: Oh darling, that's fine. I need the press! My schedule is almost always empty except 15 minutes here and there to preach my antiquated judgemental moral value crap. The hardest part was to book my stylist for my hair and makeup. Dear Lord... his schedule is much fuller than mine!... Sarcastic Yogi darling, do you like my hair?
SG: hmm... yeah sure... it looks fine. So you are here to promote your new movie "Banana: The Atheist's Nightmare"... tell us more about it.
KC: Of course, darling. You see how the banana has this thing you can peel back and stuff. So perfectly designed... you just pull it back and expose... pull it back and expose... hmm... yeah baby... eerr... take that, you atheist hater!
SG: I'm not sure if I follow.
KC: How can you not follow? You know, that thing, you just gently grab it and pull it back... hmm... [winked at SG suggestively]... and like, there's your proof!
SG: OK... you can peel a banana, that proves what exactly?
KC: Sarcastic Yogi darling! Come on! Can't you see? [licked his lips subtly]... hmm... this didn't just happen! This is all divinely created and designed!
SG: So you picked up a banana and decided that's the proof of whatever you're preaching.
KC: Oh no you didn't!... I mean, the banana is your worst nightmare! It has the non-slip surface and you pull the tab, the content doesn't squirt in your face... [licked his lips subtly]... hmm... right on my face...
SG: So why not a cucumber or an eggplant?
KC: Oh darling, don't you think I tried! I did! I even suggested a horse or a donkey or something! I miss that horse... so big and hard... hmm... you see, Ray Comfort my ex-boyfriend... hmm... could you please scrap that from the interview!...
SG: Sure thing. So back to your " God loves everyone" thing. So seriously, everyone?
KC: Well, yeah... but... yeah... but... well, hmm... with conditions of course... we hate the gays, which is why I'm trying very hard to pretend to not be one of them... man, ask Tom Cruise how hard that is! Basically, we hate everyone who's not Caucasian, not heterosexual, not married with 1.95 kids, not Christian... women are unnatural sluts so they should set up their own churches... we hate the Catholics and Mormons... I wish I could have a smoking purse and multiple husbands... eer... wives... it's all about love and job creation and health care reform!
SG: Kirk, you lost me again.
KC: Oh sorry, sugar... I meant... well, all the scientists like Stephen Hawking know nothing about the universe. Basically anyone who doesn't fit what we prefer or agree fully with what we choose, they will not go to heaven... [winked at SG suggestively] so, are you cut or uncut?
SG: And you said "women are unnatural sluts"...
KC: Well, I mean, you know... I mean... well, they have their black churches, Korean churches... you know... women should go to their own churches... ok, Rush Limbaugh told me to say that.
SG: So basically you support discrimination, male chauvinism and ignorance of scientific facts.
KC: Exactly! Earth is only 6000 years old! The dinosaur bones were planted by the devil to fuck us up! Don't buy into that!... so really, are you cut or uncut?
SG: Kirk, that's a personal question and has nothing to do with this conversation.
KC: That's too bad. I love peeling a banana and exposing its content... peeling and exposing... peeling and exposing... call me! [licked his lips subtly]
SG: You know because of oppressing and ignorant views like yours, many people, especially teenagers, are suffering, right?
KC: Whatever. I didn't kill myself and I'm still here.
SG: I think I'm going to end the interview right now.
KC: Call me! I need all the attention I can get! I'm desperate! I think you are hot!... Call me! But be discreet because I don't want my wife to know!... Call me!
... so there you have it. Directly and sensually from the alleged reincarnation of the 14th apostle, Kirk Cameron.