Multiple personality disorder in a relationship (Part 1 of Part 2): the one you love is an asshole
Lets get this out of the way, I am no guru *cough* of relationship. Actually, I’m not a guru *cough* of anything.
Unlike Dr. Phil, I don’t pretend to be an expert in things that I don’t know much about and I still have hair on my head. You just wait, he’ll soon be selling hair growth products and lecturing on how to perform lobotomy with only a tampon.
Having an opinion doesn’t make you an expert, I wish more people realized that.
Just like everyone else, I have baggage, demons and skeletons in the closet, mostly from my childhood. As a child, by instinct you look to your parents for guidance and love. We were all naive and uncontaminated once. Obviously things don’t always turn out the way you want or expect.
What if the one you love is an asshole?
This is not even a hypothetical question. It’s a reality. By default, there’s an asshole in any relationship, at least that’s what I think.
For example, my dad is an asshole in our relationship. I never thought of him as an asshole when I was a child. He taught me lessons about life by being an asshole, and me witnessing the consequences of being an asshole. He provided me with an opportunity to figure out who I am as a person, though sometimes the journey was filled with blood and tears.
Finally came the day when I realized that my dad was an asshole. That was the same day I flicked my forehead and said, “how could I be so blind!”
You see, we all have this gift called “gut feeling”. With the exception of the few times that it turns into explosive diarrhea, usually it’s a sign that says “pay attention”. But often we ignore it or try to explain or justify it. Don’t you rock the boat!
According to some self-help psychology guru *cough*, when we realize that the one we love is an asshole, we go through the same old seven stages of grief, just like my friend Princess Madgelover did when Oprah decided to end her talk show.
All your baggage, demons and skeletons in your closet play a huge role here, of course. Interestingly enough, both The Asshole and The Other Person go through the same stages, though their actions might differ, and both skip and move around the seven stages.
Not perfect, but it’s a start. At least this puts things in some context and gives us something to work with.
1) Shock & Denial
The Asshole: “Lies! All lies! Twisted exaggerations put out of context! These attacks are unsubstantiated!”
The Other Person: “I know what you are thinking... his pants are down and he is standing behind a sheep... but it’s not what it seems! He’s innocent! You are the pervert!”
Sarcastic Yogi: “Are you fucking kidding me!?”
2) Pain & Guilt
The Asshole: “I apologize for opening myself up to the negative energy. I am sorry for getting caught.”
The Other Person: “Uh oh! What does that say about me? Why didn’t I speak up? What is wrong with me? I am stupid! Baaaaah...”
Sarcastic Yogi: “Skipping this and going straight to stage 3.”
3) Anger & Bargaining
The Asshole: “How dare you truth seekers tell the real truth but not the fake truth!... and oh honey, I promise I will stop [blah blah blah] if you [yada yada yada]...”
The Other Person: “How could you?! I love you! Asshole!”
Sarcastic Yogi: “Chop off his nuts and hang the bitch!”
4) Depression, Reflection & Loneliness
The Asshole: “Oh no... I am an asshole! Oh no!...”
The Other Person: “Oh no... they were all true... he really is an asshole! What am I going to do?”
Sarcastic Yogi: ”At least I’m honest about me being an asshole...”
5) The Upward Turn
The Asshole: “I suppose I should clean up this mess?”
The Other Person: “May be it’s time to confront the asshole...”
Sarcastic Yogi: ”Ha! Told you so! Na na na na na na... ok, I feel better now.”
6) Reconstruction & Working Through
The Asshole: “I suppose I am sorry.”
The Other Person: “I suppose I can leave...”
Sarcastic Yogi: ”I want cake...”
7) Acceptance & Hope
The Asshole: “I really fucked up.”
The Other Person: “I am leaving.”
Sarcastic Yogi: ”I want more cake...”
What a mess.
The Asshole has been identified. Now what?
(end of part 1 of part 2)